Open Hearted Charity

The Advent reflection sent out yesterday brings to mind an incident I encountered over lunch just now. I was with 2 of my colleagues at a coffee shop, and a beggar came up to our table to beg for money. He gestured that he needed the money for food. My colleagues ignored the man. My first instinct was to give him something out my wallet, but when I saw that my colleagues had chosen to ignore him, I felt "pressured" (don't ask me why) not to give him anything either. I told myself what I have been taught from young – he has a pair of arms and feet, he can work for his food. That stopped me from giving him any money.

Then I remembered Jesus' teaching - "for as long as you did it to the least of these my brethren, you did it unto me". A debate started in my head - One voice said I should give him some money. After all, it would only be 2 dollars - which meant very little to me. Another voice told me to recall the times when I had been cheated by people claiming to be in need.

I recalled the time when a man approached me to borrow $50, claiming he needed the money urgently to buy a pair of shoes. He promised to return the money to me the next day. He even took down my address and telephone number, and gave me his. He never returned the money, and I never saw him again. I felt so indignant at being cheated because of the kindness of my heart - that someone had exploited my good heartedness for his own gain. I never forgave that man, and till today, I am still smarting from that hurt. Some years after that incident, I met another man while walking with Marie. This time, he claimed to be in need of money to see a doctor. He claimed he had fallen and was limping. When I saw him, I ran away, because the thought of the first man came to my mind again. I did not want to be cheated again.

This time, I think I did the right thing, because this 2nd man approached me on an overhead bridge in Chinatown. I thought: if he had fallen and was in great pain, wouldn't it be very painful for him to climb the bridge? I didn't feel any guilt running away from that scene.

Now, back to this beggar. My mind had gone back to all those incidents, and it hardened my heart and strengthened my resolve not to give him any money. But a voice somehow kept nagging at me, and I told myself that if he came back a 3rd time (he had already come to our table twice), I would give him some money, regardless of my own views and feelings. He never came back.

I feel guilty right now, and I fear that I will go to hell for not giving that man some money. I can just imagine myself in front of God, and He saying, "For I came begging to you for money to buy me some food, but you ignored me". But on the other hand, I'm not flogging myself too much because of my past encounters. Who knows, now that I'm reflecting on this, it may be God's way of slowly healing that past hurt and opening up my heart to be charitable once again.

Anyway, thanks for the sharing, and thanks for reading this. Sorry it's a bit long, though. See you on Wednesday.

Nicholas Leong